Navigating Birth Grief: Honoring Your Journey

Dear Beautiful Souls,

Today, I want to talk about a topic that is often not talked about but deserves to be brought to light as it affects SO MANY.

Let's talk about birth grief.

This is a deeply personal and emotional experience that many parents go through when their birth plan doesn’t unfold as they had dreamed. It’s a grief that can touch your heart both before and after your baby arrives.

Sometimes, the journey to meeting your little one takes unexpected turns. Financial constraints, health issues, or other unforeseen circumstances can force you to change your desired birth plan. You might have envisioned bringing baby earthside a serene home water birth, surrounded by loved ones, only to find that a hospital birth is now the only option. Or perhaps you dreamed of a natural (vaginal) birth, but complications necessitate a cesarean section.

It’s okay to feel a sense of loss and disappointment. It’s absolutely pokay to grieve the birth experience you had hoped for. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to feel and honor them. This grief is not a reflection of your love for your baby or your strength as a parent. It’s a natural response to the loss of a deeply held dream.

Even after your baby is in your arms, this grief can linger.

You might find yourself replaying the birth in your mind, wondering what could have been different, what you cpuld have done different, where everything "went wrong". You might feel a mix of joy and sadness, anger, guilt and relief. These emotions are complex and multifaceted, and it’s important to give yourself the space to feel them all.

“Mindful grief means mourning and letting go of the past without expectation, fear, censure, blame, shame, control and so forth. Without such mindful grief, neither past nor person can be laid to rest.”

— David Richo

Connecting with Your Grief

Grieving the birth experience you dreamed of is a journey. It's a process that involves acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and finding ways to heal. Here are a few steps that might help:

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve:

It’s okay to feel cheated if you didn’t have the birth experience you’d hoped for. It’s not ungrateful to admit this to yourself. In fact, it may be a necessary step to moving forward.

2. Reflect on Your Expectations of Birth:

Were they realistic? People who tend to strive for perfectionism often hold high, unrealistic expectations of how birth will go. Are you evaluating your experiences unfairly based on impossible-to-achieve expectations?

3. Re-evaluate Self-Blame:

Are you blaming yourself for something you did or did not do or did or did not say? Birth-related guilt can compound any feelings of loss and disappointment. It's important to remember that ultimately the way your birth plays/played out is NOT your fault. Birth just happens and the way it happens cannot be fully planned or controlled.

4. Avoid Comparisons:

You know the quote "Comparison is the thief of joy" . When we don’t achieve something we want, we have a tendency to fixate on others who have (seemingly) achieved it. Be wary of this. What we think we see is not always as it is. Take a break from social media for a while if you find this fuels that painful comparison with others.

5. Make Sense of Your Experience:

Help process your birth experience by obtaining medical or objective feedback about your birth and the decisions that were made. Talk to your medical team or birth partner about what it meant to you. Or write it down - put any anger and disappointment into a letter – you don’t have to send it.

6. Talk to Others:

Share your experience and feelings about it with people you feel safe to do so. Avoid sharing with people you think might invalidate your feelings with comments such as ‘well at least your baby is healthy’. Your feelings matter and deserve to be acknowledged, not dismissed.

7. Practice Self-Compassion:

Respond to your disappointment or perceived failures with understanding, patience, and acceptance, rather than with harsh self-criticism. You may find it helpful to practice some affirmations to strengthen self-compassion.

8. Practice Mindfulness:

Distressing thoughts and memories can pull us into repetitive and painful cycles of rumination on what ‘could’ or ‘should’ have been. Mindfulness can help break those unproductive patterns by focusing attention on the present moment.

9. Give Yourself Some Time:

There is no timeline for grief, but it usually does become less painful as time passes and you move towards acceptance of what is. Be mindful of postpartum hormones which may amplify your feelings of loss and disappointment.

10. Seek Professional Support:

If you find your sense of disappointment and sadness does not pass or begin to wane naturally over time, or even if you want extra support working through it, it is always a good idea to reach out to a qualified mental health professional. Ideally, try find someone experienced in working with perinatal mental health.

Every birth story is unique, and every journey is valid. Whether your birth went exactly as planned or took several unexpected turns, your experience is a testament to your strength and love. It’s okay to grieve the birth you dreamed of, and it’s okay to celebrate the birth you had. Both can coexist in your heart.

To all the parents navigating birth grief, know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, your journey is important, and your story deserves to be heard. Together, we can honor our experiences and find healing in the shared human experience of birth.

With the most love and compassion,

Sam